chinese weddings

For all you villagers that have no clue whatsoever about the inner workings of a chinese wedding, here is a sample :-

Day 1 - tea ceremony

Day 1a - wedding dinner.

Nothing wrong with the "Tea ceremony", basically the couple will have to get down on their knees and Offer the Parents/inlaws Chinese tea after which the couple gets Hong Baos (ang pau, meaning red packets filled with money) as a token. This Completes the Official nuptials.

People take turns to offer tea to each other. At least that's what happened to me. After a while you just get plain confused as to who is supposed to offer tea to whom.

There was once when i was on the chair and my father in law was on his knees offering me tea!! Confusing stuff i tell ya. Ok ok he didn't offer me tea, might be my subconscious playing tricks....hmmmmnnn.

Anyway after cutting that short let us move on to the Dinner. Nothing different about it (from a normal wedding) except for the fact that one main ingredient is involved here. "money", now when i say money i mean lots of money!

It is a big NO NO to NOt give money to the couple. Some weddings you have Grumpy old ladies sitting at a table out at the reception. One would "Man" (you should see the ladies) the guest book and the other would receive the Red packets( Hong Baos, red packets with money) from the guests. These Overzealous ladies would then have your Pride and joy and hope and Shame in between their thumbs. They would proceed to open these packets in front of everybody and one would then Proceed to announce Loudly (for every ones Benefit, possibly to shame and scare others) the amount that was given. If you gave a generous amount then good, maybe a smile ( don't hold your breathe waiting), If not, then you will be the lucky few to get a table near the toilet (if not IN).

Can you imagine the horror if you gave five bucks!!! gives me the shivers!
While all this is going on, you see sweaty brows in full throttled Air conditioning.
Nervous grinding of teeth, Sweaty palms, pale faced ,wrecked with jitter, clanging testicles, guests on one side. The other side you will see some cocky faced brats giving the once over to the unfortunate few (short lived cockiness after the encounter with "The ladies").

Just like a Theater performance, this affair is full of drama, suspense and perhaps if you are lucky, some violence. This is a realm that belongs only to the "Old LADIES"and no one else. And by the way if you are planning to go to some wedding (chinese), Do, Please Do be afraid, Be very afraid. Do not even think of getting away with that miserable Hong Bao that you brought and forget about giving these ladies the "heave Ho" because these are one bunch of tough Old ladies. The have in them Inhuman Strength, Schooled in the Ancient Art Of "kick You Hard Hard and Long Long where the Sun will Quake in its ffet to even think of shining".

Tough little cookies these ladies. Theere is No ginseng too big and no Bamboo too long, They overcome them all. So for you White men, I WOULD NOT MESS WITH THEM.

After this nerve wrecking Affair, you have the 5,6,10 course dinner. Perhaps a slide show of the couples wedding photos (aaarrrggghhhh HOSTAGE Situation Get OUT nOW!!!).

Then while all this happens the couple will go from table to table to say thanks (or curses) to the guests.....ok, so no curses. Photographs will be taken at every table with the couple.


Simple huh?

Thank god though, no such thing at my wedding, Was over in About Five minutes, WE ( my wife and I) went through the wedding simply. Killed By Humility, Bankrupted by Pride, Kicked by the waiters in our butt cheeks we made a loss. Yes that is what they refer to weddings as ( NOt THE MARRIAGE YOU IDIOT!!) . If a couple makes money to cover their their expenses than it is a "break Even", If they made more and more left over for a honeymoon then a perfect wedding.

We made a "loss", If we had "broke even" i would have been glad and had i had a Perfect wedding i would have gone insane!, suffered a moment of insanity. Probably would have whimpered like a child in soiled diapers,

But Sadly no, We Did'nt. There was no moment of insanity.

What i got in return was a bride, A happy Family, And happy guests.

So ok, I got a windfall after all.




now where is my Hong bao?????


(p.s. not all chinese weddings are like that, just an example of some)