.... im gonna be looking forward to NS now......

ok .....so the other dae i had this weird thought during my tutorial......
what if one day while we are busy enjoying peace in peaceful singapore......
and SCDF sirens go off all of a sudden...

singapore is under attack from malaysia.....
u must be kidding me right??
(thats what you must be thinking )

battalion upon battalion of men cross the causeway....into singapore..
armed with pickaxes and hoes...
plastic bags and sarongs.....
chewing gum and...pirated cd's
dunkin donuts and ..whatever..
(u get the picture)

their battle plan apparently......

is to drive into singapore ....
in their protons and those 'mat' scooters.....
and jam singapore streets.....

start planting sawi,kangkong,carrots,cabbages and what not...
along orchard road
heck even .......
set up streets upon streets of pasar malams ...
turn PIE into Jalan Masjid India.....
have a rematch between their national soccer team and a so called
"singapore team"
(made up of pre-schoolers)
at kallang stadium...

Mahathir takes a tour and tells his men im gonna name this island after me ......
he is in a dilemma....

he screams ..
mahathir: men!! gather....
(his men gather wondering what the gaffer is upto)

mahathir: men!! i have a slight problem with the name part and i need your help.....
(his men visibly excited)

mahathir: if you have to choose a name for this island what would you call it???
it has to be after me........

(his men try their best to please their boss and come up with 2 names ...)

one of them says:"boss kita come atas with dua nama's....."
(in his best english)

mahathir: apa they??

the representative:(explains how they wanted a funky english name for the island which
wasnt after him but on the other hand sounded like his name)


mahathir: (visibly dissapointed nevertheless eager to hear out what his charges had cooked up)


representative:boss!! kita right ..pikir either 'maha-dick' or 'maha-prick'
will be a good nama.........

mahathir:(seems delighted)
mahathir: you have done me proud men....

and with that ......i was 'vibrated' back into tutorial by my trustee phone vibrating


children out there....
dunt overlook the importance of NS unless you wanna eat kangkong and cabbage everydae for lunch.........
considering we dunt eat anything but mcdonalds and carls junior nowadaes
(i dunt mind the chewing gum and donuts though)

Singapore politics

Firstly, do not misunderstand me.
I am not a PAP supporter and neither am i an opposition champion.
I watch and decide based on the facts.

The political scene in singapore is rather interesting. On one hand we have the PAP playing the good govt role and on the other we have the opposition.

Now what i do not understand. Why does chee soon juan behave like an ass.
You know our govt is going to sue your pants off (luckily in singapore, if in malaysia fiiiinish gotta go nude).

We have a rather screwed up judicial process. "guilty till proven innocent", we already know you are guilty, guilty of being a dumb ass.

So why go on with your antics. This is not a circus.

Come on man !! wake up your idea!

Do something tangible.
Dont do publicity stunts.
e.g giving speeches at the speakers corner without a licence and stuff.

Contribute, with a structured plan.
One step at a time,
Things are moving ahead now.
The govt seems to be doing stuff.
Do it right and we will all be proud of you.

And errr by the way remember that MP . the chinese dude, looks like a Pimp who wears a wig.
Wah lau really unglam sia hmmmmnnn wonder why nobody ever mentioned it before.
How to respect him? i know i tried but i cannot get my eyes off his head whenever i see him on tele giving a speech.

So how aah? our opposition has no bite, Our PAP bite too much, and the people Really bo chap.

So what to do? Bring in the foreigners!
So why complain now?

Mat salleh come, we kowtow, offer opium, Laugh when one faints after smelling the durian.

Chinaman come, we kick them
Indian come, we plug our noses.
Filipino come, we make them work as our maids
Indonesian come, we push them out of the window under the pretext of cleaning them (windows lah not the maids themselves ...perverts.) .

So whats left?

Americans? cannot we busy kow-towing to them already.

So how? keep quietlah we do that best.
Until we learn to respect people equally, things will never change.

Not everything is lost though, Our opposition might be idiots, but at least the combined govt
Is Clean. NO CORRUPTION.

PRObably the only country in the world that is not corrupt , has a good govt. And no bullshit like the israelies and the american govt.

I guess i am still proud to be a singaporean eerrrrr to a certain extent i guess.

what a mangkuk indeed...

dear villagers.....
please do not be confused....

i am non-smoker...
BIG sourgrapes is the smoker.......

what say you...??
the government should raise prices on cigarettes???

i seem to think so...

hahaha...

...........................................................................................................
smoking causes

lung cancer...
yellow teeth...
affects the guys where they would rather not be ....
(no wonder we have a shortage of babies)

at press time ....the above-mentioned statements's accuracy is unconfirmed
but it might just be true

well lets go on with the list....
smoking means less time to spend with your ..


girlfriend...
wife ..
grandma....
mother....
cat ......
dog...
"kakis"(non smokers)

..........................................................
smoking means more money spent and 5 minutes of your life wasted for every stick you smoke

.........................................................

like that how to buy that mazda..
or subaru..
or lexus..
or vespa...
or bicycle (for those "illegal smokers")
or toyota crown(ooops)

.....................................................

i wonder what BIG sourgrapes thinks....


what say you BIG sourgrapes ???

hehehehe.........

Indonesia and its Environment

WOOHOO!! to ms indranee rajah.

Just heard on the news, How she so eloquently "berated" Indonesia for its ban on selling sand to singapore. She also reminded them that Hopefully they will curb the deforestation thats going on because of the annual burning campaign for after all they are soooo Environmentally conscious.

Firstly, NO when i say burning, Environmentally friendly indonesia is not burning its chinese ppl again ( sorry to the PPL). Its the forests.

Come on guys lets fess up, these guys are not just a lot of smoke and hot air but they are really up to their eyes, from the butt crack and up with sand.

They know it and we know it.
Man, sometimes i think our govt is too nice.
First Malaysia. then thailand now indonesia.
Who next? Queue aah?


lastly,

Mr sandman, pls behave. Dun be sooo nautee aah.

false bravado

Dear smoker,

i would like to bring your attention to the evening news yesterday( the rest of us do not really care when).
I admire your strength . The strength you showed the world on national tv. When you boldly stated what no one has stated before, "I dont care". Now, before i go on, i will refresh your memory.

You , the village person was duly caught on camera (by an army of reporters) blatantly and boldly smoking in an esteemed place of thinking, an institution for the aged, A honorable place more popularly known as the "coffeeshop".

You were smoking outside of the designated smoking area. For this act alone, we at SOURgrAPESatSG would like to bestow upon you your first title, "Bloody Goondu".

When questioned by the reporters as to why you were smoking there, you confidently said, "I dont care", "what are you going to do" , "saman me lah!" and lastly " i have money to pay Whaaaat !".

For this act, we bestow you with an additional title "Sir". So SIR BLOODY GOONDU , what happened next was, you and the owner of the esteemed place of business were given your respective "samans".

The one and only thing i can say to this is,

DONT BE A BLOODY FOOL AAH!!!, KAN@# CHA#o CHE$% By.
Because of bloody mangkuk's ( malay for pot) like you we smokers have to suck in the stale air being blown towards us by the govt.
We are literally being smoked out.
We kena snook!!
We have to put up with the KIller stares and risk having under "wares" being thrown at us whenever we light up.
If the prices dont kill us, then A heart attack from the behaviours of villagers like you will!.

*phew* not that ive got that out of my system,

We at you know where, thank you for your kind attention.

Your's sincerely

ME.

vertically challenged

Being vertically challenged has its pro’s……
but why oh why!!!!! didn’t anyone enlighten me …??!!
why didn’t any of you good people out there tell me that its going to have certain con’s as well …???!! (Sigh)

riding the train is such a nightmare everyday for me ,be it to work or to classes…
its worse when I have to attend classes…
(im traveling from one end of the island to the other)

damnit!!
Darn….
Fish…

Im exposed to “lavender” (sleep inducing) fragrance every morning,
In this case ,the “lavender” in concern is rather too “nice” for my liking and its so special you can only find it in the MRT train at peak period …
It can even threaten to put you to sleep for a long to come (till judgement day)

To all of you good people out there who “dunt have time to shower or lather some deo”
The least you can do is stay away from public transport ...take the cab man….
kill one person with that “lavender”
not dozens…!!!!
Keep your weapon of mass destruction to yourself man!!!


I wont mind the fare hike if the extra money is going to be used to
spray people with anti-”lavender”


Scenario…
Imagine you’re in the train standing by the door…during peak period..
You so proud you’re smelling great…
Then comes the next stop, a trillion people hop in .
some guy hasn’t showered or sprayed….
(For some reason unknown to mankind, its always the guy, nobody suspects the pretty lady beside them)

Imagine that guy gets off at the very same station as you and stands there beside you.
All the way…(cos the train is packed)

God save your soul man…
All that confidence you had starts seeping out like some leaking bottle of cologne…
That bottle starts taking in gas instead (you cant ignore science)

Now,, now ,,whats the point in spraying yourself with all that nice smelling cologne, or perfume…when at the end of the journey you’re gonna come out of the gas chamber(train), smelling exactly like that brudder or sister you were standing beside all the way ??

Moral of the story??

Any one wanna try??

Ok ill tell you….leave home without spraying cologne…..cos it’s a waste of money…

upgrading woes

One of our many Crazes.
We in Singapore are A crazed Lot
We Love a billion things.
We desire A Gazillion and ONE items.

My biggest woe, Lift Upgrading.

The facts
The govt housing board has gone on a rampage.
Rampage of building and adding new things to existing elements.
An obsession that threatens the very foundation this country is built on.

In this case, It is My building that shakes.
It all started with a rumble( deep in my tummy)
Had to poopy.

After when i finally awoke from my stupor(in the loo),
I realised the shaking continued!
Hmmmmnn..i thought, can't be after shocks from my recent activity.

Looked out of my window and lo behold!
i was surrounded by a construction crew, eerm my Building, i mean.

It had started.
The much dreaded LIFT UPGRADING!

LIFT UPGRADING the bane of my very existence.

I live on the second floor!
OK never mind That.
The process was painful enough, My story here is about what happened after.
So we continue, Finally the job was done (not my Poopy-ing).
The lift was completed.
Did the usual suaku thing ( suaku- mountain tortoise/villager), i went into it.
Just to try it out.
Did look Left and right , just to make sure nobody was watching and IN! i went.
Coool, i thought to myself.
Story ended?
No, just the beginning of my problems.

For you see, i have this condition.
The condition of "severe embarassment followed by guilt".
Like i said , i lived on the second floor.
I just don't know why but its tough getting into the lift.

There is this strange guilt.
Thoughts that somehow i don't have a right to use the lift.
That somehow i am depriving someone of the usage of this one lift.
Images flashing in my mind of someone on the verge of death, waiting, waiting for me to get out
of the lift.

I almost freaked out today.
Just when i was about to get into the lift, a bunch of people appeared out of nowhere and were heading straight for me, or so i thought.

There and then i had decided to press the lift button for the top floor, thinking that perhaps
then, these people would not give me nasty looks or worse throw used undies at me.
Imagine my relief when at the last minute , they turned to my right and walked away.

*phew* close call that one.
Looks like i have an allergic reaction.
To the lift.
No more lifts for me.
NO, nothing will change my mind.
Too much Stress.
I could get a heart attack you know!!

*sigh* my problems have just begun.

politically apathetic

My debut post here…im basically not your average…local.
Local as in born and raised here..
i wasn’t bred here..
im no animal..
some people with ‘brains ‘ will say as part of their introductory line.
bla bla bla.i was born and bred here….
I laugh hard ..when I get home

Ok lets cut this shit…
So how many of us are politically apathetic???
Say what???(ill hear you saying)

U: Political armpit…??
U: Brudder u trying to be funny isit???

Me: precisely..

No wonder we are what we are…
Ok hell no I dunt read news like the newscaster…but sense I have to at least watch the headlines….

So whats the oil price like now..??
U: ahh simple…s$5 sumthing for a whole bottle

Me : there you go…..
Politically apathetic!!!

U: huh??
Me :thank you.., have your seat..

We weren’t talking bout any cooking oil..
But the much abused…
sought after...
despised…
cause of Iraq war…(some of us might think so)
crude oil..or black gold or just plain simple oil


now, now, my fellow audience..
dunt get too excited just yet.
we all have this habit of getting jumpy when things aren’t going our way
and we start defending ourselves…
I bet u agree…

So my question remains ….

How many of us are politically apathetic?

You: ah lian ah!!! Whats politically apathetic….
Ah lian: what armpit??? talk properly can anot!!

Me : (shakes head )

religion and ethnicity an uniquely singaporean dilemma

Our perceived Dilemma and bias.
------------------

Indian then you must be hindu. Speak tamil, Drunk, beat wife
Chinese, then you are definitely - paper burning , pork eating temple goer.
Malay - Muslim, guitar strumming .

Our Understanding
-----------------------

Indian Muslim - indian dude/dudette who is a product of a mix marriage between a malay and indian.
Muslim - malay, who eats no Pork and No lard
POKiLA - My definition of an establishment which thinks it has pulled off a coup by bypassing the "halal" certification process

The Facts.
--------------

Indian,Chinese,Malay - is a race( not the one that you run in, aiyoh goondu!!) Just people. People working to make a living. Good and nautee. All shapes and sizes.
Islam - A religion
Muslim - a person that believes in Allah and all that defines him. A person that has Islam as his religion.
HALAL - food that has , NO Pig or its by products.
NO ALCOHOL. MEAT that is slaughtered in an islamic way. (all OTHER COMMON MEATS)
HARAM-ANY food item that comes into contact with the above or falls out of the rules as defined above..

Bloody Goondu - anyone that does not already know any of the above.

Therefore,

Dear Mr/Miss BLOODY GOONDU,

Please remember the above so as not to embarass yourself.
We live in a Multi-cultural environment (governments words)
Actually 3 main races plus one "others"( sorry couldn't resist taking a jibe at the Govt)

Know your fellow human. If you do not already know the above, may god help you.
Your ignorance, Is Your gift to us.
Please accept our gratitude and thanks for giving the rest of us a
reason and opportunity to laugh at you.
Just because we love you does not mean we will tolerate your extreme goonduness.

So In closing, For GODS SAKE PLEASE try to understand the above.

The mgmt

Sourgrapesatsg.

growing up

i had a decent childhood.
Just like any other teenager, i felt invincible.
Thought that , when i am older , i will "automatically" have an older mans brain.

Responsible,mature,serious, and so on.

It didn't happen.

I was in my early twenties.
All That fooling around,
was a little smarter.
A little wiser.
That was all.

Next i knew, i was married.
Did i feel any different?
Not really.
Same all, same all, teenage brain.
Have tons of responsibilities though.

Yup, just like the transition in this blog, the time that passed
from my teenage years to the present went by very quickly.

I realised, that when people say that they are young at heart.
That is precisely what they mean.
It scares the hell out of me.
What if i am on my death bed and i dont feel any older??!!

The facts, My brain did not get any older. It is the same old me.
Yes sure, the insecurities went away with the pimples.

but what else?

I still fool around, playing games and what not.

YOU do not GROW OLD!
THE COld hard fact
You just die one day, looking like crap.
Butt sagging to the floor etc.
why do you think old people commit suicide?

they realise this fact and there is not one god dam thing they can do about it!

The body will not allow them to do stuff they want to do.
Society will not let them do what they want to do.

Except for the deviant few( BATAM Dwellers) , most of us just die "young".

i Think it is gods way of screwing around with us.
Or maybe, that is where our soul resides in(our brains)
Or maybe It is some governmental Experiment where our bodies just waste away
and our brains get stuck in this time warp.

What i'm saying is , I NEED TO THINK OLD!!
I think i'm having a midlife crisis at the age of thirty.
Or maybe i just realised something that only comes with age,
and that is,
We never grow old.

unstamped passports

Legends for this blog
village people - the citizens of the country ( because we are all dumb)
govt - governments


The Straits Times wednesday 14 feb 2007.
JOHOR Menteri BESAR ABdul Ghani Othman said,

1) Sporeans facing problems( passports Unstamped) should raise the issue with him.

My retort, Ok sure whats your email?...oh sorry wait give me ur morse code id ,they wont allow me to use the PC here in the jail. oh wait could u pls send

me $5 ringgit first, for your cheap ass malaysian jail wont give me anything to wear cause i dont have the moolah to buy your designer jail shorts and

seriously its really cold walking around here in just my undies.

2) HE ALSO SAID THAT he has not heard of any singaporeans being jailed for unstamped passports. He also asked for proof of such a thing happening.

My retort, ok seriously dude. Have you seen my fart? no right ? does that mean it doesn't exist? and what kind of a MENTERI besar are you ? you have no

clue whats going on in your country. i tell you what, since i know more, i suggest you step aside and ill run your state for ya. my technic would be simple.

ill blame everything on singapore and your village people will vote for me . When they get sick of singapore ill blame it on thailand and say that its their tom

yum soup thats causing the village people to get dumber. My last retort ok ok. i give up . its my fault next time ill agree to get robbed first at the checkpoint

then by your village ppl then u chop my passport. ok? how?

ps. someone just stole my undies pls send me a loin cloth in the very least.

SMOKING

We the People of Singapore ,
Are obsessed with the act herein referred to as "NO SMOKING".

The gahmen say Smoking Bad
People say Smokers Bad.
So gahmen say, we charge more tax.
People say, Round these buggers up and put them in yellow box.
Gahmen say ok.

Smokers say.............

So people say, smokers bad.

Smokers say..........

So people say saman the smokers that flout the law.

Smokers say...........

So gahmen increase tax , yet again.

people say, good!

Smokers say.........

so I say, Why waste my breath,i can use what's left, to smoke.
Afterall, dogs will carry on barking behind an elephant.
(old indian saying, directly translated).

p.s . "gahmen", (government in singlish)

MUST OWN CAR

WE singaporeans are an obsessed LOt.

We loooooovvveee our cars.
We loooovvvveee to dress up our cars.
we looovvvveee to (..........fill in the blanks......) our cars.

this really pisses me off!

Firstly i just do not get it.
Before we get our cars, there are a ton of things we have to consider.

IT is not a simple purchase.

There is P.A.R.F, then there is the C.O.E, then The E.R.P, The insurance, the road tax, servicing and other stuff.

I went to a showroom once.
The conversation went,

salesman: do you want us to bid for you?

Me: No dude i just want to buy this car! No bidding required.

Salesman: ok then, we will give you our price and if the C.O.E is higher you will have to pay the difference.

Me: *scratching my head*...um OK?

Salesman: So do you know the P.A.R.F of this car?

Me: *pause* I think i'll walk.

Get what i mean?
Its too bloody confusing!

I told you, our government confuses us into submission.

The die hard fans, will go get the car. Wait for a month or so to get it, then drive around in their brand new shiny cars.

as for me, i will take my public transport, while
Harbouring Strong desires to scratch my neighbours car.

by the way, please don't ask me what C.O.E or P.A.R.F is?
I am still very much confused.

indians

i just don't get it.

Indians speak funny when they speak English.
I know it.
You know it.
Yet whenever there is an indian joke, people always
make it a point to use an indian accent.

Dont you think the indians know it?!!

i just don't get it.

there is a hell of alot of discrimination against the indians.

People say we smell funny ( yes i am indian).

some say we don't bathe.
Some say its our diet.

we Smell Nice!
I know.
I smell like chicken briyani
I know others that smell like chicken curry.
Hey! , this is good!
Good Food, Good Smell.

Have you come across an aussie during winter?
They DONT SMELL like chips , i will tell you that, NO SIREE!

HOW about the chinese? , They smell like fish!
The brits, like something the cat dragged in.

come on people! , looooovvveeee us.

Another grouse of mine,

why is that, whenever somebody farts, they will all look at the indian?

why, do we have a neon sign on our foreheads that says, "if you smell something bad, it is probably Us farting?".

Do you know how much work that would be?
First you have to take care of the power supply,
Next, these neon signs generate alot of heat!
Not to mention the amount of dust they collect.

Maybe, we should have a sign!
A politically correct Signage.

THIS sign would say, "if you smell curry its us, if you smell Fish its them and if you smell both at the same time then its probably the angmoh! (white man)".

The jokers and Fish and chips

we all know the state of affairs of the world.

In case you live in a cave, the gist of it is.......

governments = money = death.

The world is pretty easy to figure out from here on, if you understand the basics ( as shown by the equation above).

The governments of the world operate in a simplistic manner.

it goes like this,

The American government, cons its people into submission,( Clinton and his sexcapade, Bush and his lies....oooohhhh BAAAAddddd Bush! , very convincing and now the village people are voting for Hillary, GO FIGURE!)

The Arab Government, Beats its people into submission,( mistreatment of its lower classes, women etc)

The singapore Government, Confuses its people into submission ( Remember how they said GST was good for us? Yup, i dont understand it either, and i've a Degree! )

The Malaysian Government , Confuses its people into submission and in the end , They end up confusing themselves. (Favourite fallback slogan-Singapore did it)

The Indonesian Government, Bribes its people into submission. ( uh ha , we know what that means)

The indian Government, Misleads its people into submission (Favourite fallback slogan- The Paki did it)

The European Government, Too drunk to bother doing any of the above to the people ( The people are drunk too)

The Australian Government, They are too confused themselves as a lot to confuse anybody else. ( They hate the crown and yet Piss in their pants to go there when given the opportunity, They detest the Americans and yet go goo goo ga ga when presented with anything american. eg the nuclear issue)

The Pakistani Government, Misleads themselves as well as the public into submission (Favourite fallback slogan- The Indians did it ).

The Thai Government, Misleads its people by blaming Thaksin (their ex leader) and if all fails blame it on Singapore. The result - Long picket line outside The singapore embassy. see above picture.
So how do you fix it? (SEEMINGLY)

Simple , throw United nations into it, for one.
The will Vehemently Condemn The actions of the Countries in Fault.
Then they will Draft Sanctions (maybe after a million years).
Maybe throw in a couple of inspectors as a bonus ( we all know how that worked for IRAQ).

After That when all else seems hopeless, The Americans Will ride in, like the cowboys they are.
Woohooo they will save the day and perhaps ride into the sunset after, After they have plundered, oops sorry i meant SAVED the day.

Then what? , They will send in more cowboys.

So what is the UN doing all this while? Strongly opposing everybodys actions.

What about NATO? ( dont even go there)

So is it all fixed? No not yet. You forgot about the people.

what are they doing?
Busy picketing, Striking, etc.
It aint working people!!.
They think we are all dumb.

The only Government i respect so far is the Singapore GOVT.
They might be tough,
They might seem like they are ASS$#@*s
But hey They really hold out their own against the other ASS&^%$s
They are still doing something for their people.(better than nothing)

For all you cynics out there , Singapore was one of the Very few Countries out there that
didn't buy Bad Bush's reasons for attacking Iraq.

Look at The Malaysians, What do they do?
They blame Singapore For a variety of Problems( creative bunch)
They blame the floods on singapore.
They Blame the water shortages on Singapore.
They blame Singapore for reasons from A pimple on their asses to the weather.

eg.

The press: So what caused the rampant flooding in your state?

Johor Menteri Besar ( loosely translated as the big honcho) : Singapore! ( pointing at singapore in the background)

The press : So what are you going to do about it.

Johor Menteri Besar : eeeerrrmmm we severely condemn singapore's actions

The Press : oooohhhh Singapore BAD!!!

Johor Menteri Besar : yeah and i ask for world peace!

MALAYSIAN HEADLINES nxt day

Menteri besar says singapore is to blame for ALL our problems and plus There is no world peace because of them.

Really guys, what started all this? Ask yourselves that.

I reckon it started with Fish and chips.
Really, i am not kidding!

The Brits LOOOOvvveeee their chips.
So when they run out of it, what do they do?
They Come to india.

The royal Beggars Emptied out the country ( while Sipping their Tea, eating scones and Glorifying their national heirloom/pride- The spotted Dick)

The created/encouraged segration in the country using their military tactics, To divide and conquer and then separated India and pakistan for good measure...Now India, that is one country that has really gone to the dogs.

What they found there was riches beyond their wildest imagination but sadly no chips so they left.

They did this to other countries including asia and lastly, defeated they came back home.

By then the world was screwed By these Royal SPOTTED DICKS....pun intended

Fast forward to the present

THE People Crave CHIPS and no solution to the problem at hand...they were running out of Chips.

Soon the solution presented itself.
The Israelies.

the conversation went.

Israelies - The palestinians are really pissing us off so why dont we bomb them

Americans - NO NO you cant do that! UN will seriously Condemn our actions

The British - Would you like a cup of tEA?

The Israelies - OK tell you what, We BOMB you Then you Bomb Iraq, Then When everyones busy we Bomb Palestine.

Americans - Oh , OK....eeerrrmmm So who bombs who again?

The israelies - Dont Know I cant remember.

The British - How about Some Spotted Dick?

The israelies - Sorry No Dicks, They arent Kosher.

The americans - Why dont we ask OSAMA.

OSAMA - aaaaaahhhh sorry my turbans on too tight i couldnt hear a thing.

The americans - we give you a plane and you can go on a joyride.

Osama - ok, sounds cool

ISRAELIES - hehehehe

Ther rest we know is history, osama (purportedly, we never know) flew the plane and halfway thru his turban came undone and blinded him and he crashed into the twin towers.

THE brits - ummmm ...we still dont have chips

The americans - tell you what , follow us into iraq and maybe, just maybe we might throw some chips your way.

The brits - ok...lets go cowboy.

ISRAELIES, meanwhile are kicking the palestinians, and the palestinians are kicking Each other while the Brits Still Have no chips and here comes a new cowboy in town, The HERO of the muslim world , The iranians.

Now the Iranians , are a smart Bunch!

They mislead Their Public using the POOR POOR US against The DEMON/ANTI CHRIST America card ( while beating the crap out of their women folk).

meanwhile.......
THE UN - we vehemently protest against YOU.

The saudis are the coolest People. I mean look at them. They hammer the crap out of their Country folk for drinking alcohol. Stealing etc.

So they pass down sentences on them while Sipping cognac on their yachts.
Cognac on one hand and a Tasbih on the other.

Now aint that cool?

I don't know man, i am a muslim and all but seriously, these guys managed to figure out a loop hole in the Quran. Must be .

It has to be true. Cause i looked and i looked and seriously i could'nt find anything that says You CAN DRINK alcohol.

They must be reading something else man ! or else they must be really smart people.
( check Out Your nearest PUB, You will find an arab drinking alcohol and reading the tasbih at the same time)

YOU know whats really cool?
They paid the Americans with black gold to fight the war for them!
Cool guys.

I really am confused, just like the rest of the world.

The Israelies are screwing their own people,
The Palestinians Are still Getting Screwed By everyone else and for good measure they decided to screw each other,
The american Public is still screwed ( never got Better, It was all packaging and marketing)
The arabs, in the meantime are building Dubailand and god knows what.
The brits are still screwing their own public

And guess what?

STILL NO CHIPS!

The world's a mess i tell ya.
All because of Fish and chips.


latest Update, The British Government has officially anounced that chips were never a problem.
IT was THE UN that lied to us.

I SERIOUSLY PROTEST THAT!
SANCTION THE BUGGERS!!

Integrated Resort- Ah Beng in CONVERSATION

So whats the big deal on these integrated resorts?
Gambling is Bad? yes BAAAAAaaadddd!

ok lets work this out.

VOICE OF SANITY: Gambling = Bad
Resort + Gambling = bad?

VOICE OF AH BENG: why aah?

VOICE OF SANITY:
New year , we gamble
Soccer, we gamble
Accident, we gamble (buy 4D)
Buy new house, we gamble

VOICE OF AH BENG:
so gambling bad?
Why aaah?

VOICE OF SANITY:
lemme explain,

Gambling , families breakdown.
gambling, car Breakdown
Gambling, Friendship breaks down.
Gambling , wife kick you out.


VOICE OF AH BENG:
So gambling bad....ok i get it
i think i go drink stout, gotta abjorb all these cheeem cheem words.

VOICE OF SANITY:
aaah...actually aah, Drinking also bad.

VOICE OF AH BENG:
Kani@ # NA#$ Cha*@ CHE#$

i want to migrate.

GREAT SINGAPORE CRAZE

WE are an Obsessed LOt.
First we had the Endowment Fund MOment.
Every TOM, Deng and Harish worth his/her own salt was buying them
Gahmen said , BUuuuuYYYY!!!!! so we bought.

Then We had the Insurance craze,
Gahmen or Some insurance agent said that we will die a horibble death soon so must
have money to pay our Medical practitioners to do lobotomy on us. So we bought.

After, we had the Unit TRust madness, Buy! Buy! Buy! said someone, i forgot who.
So what?
We bought lah.
Every dog eat cow company that had unit trusts to offer , we bought.

Next we had the HDB SELECTION thing, so we queued overnight ( Never mind that it didnt happen - HDB WALK IN SELECTION)
We Queued, we fought, we conquered and we went away without anything.

And Now we have the en-bloc sale madness.

The voice of the people paper had it in bold. HE MADE 3 MILLION IN ENBLOC SALES.
ooohhh wow, 3 million huh.
Preease aah NO more already the gst increase (July) is the final nail in my coffin. I cannot queue anymore.

my question is, since everyone is buying unit trusts, endowment funds, insurance policies, and what not , then who the hell is losing money. I mean if its sooo good then everysingaporean must be making money huh?

so if we are all making money then it must be the malaysians that are losing.

hmmmnnn maybe thats why the floods came. Gods way to wipe out The "losers".....
It must be true then, One of my malaysian friends said Singaporeans are rich.
Why ? i asked. Singaporeans are the only people in the world who actually queue to Buy a house!

Maybe god should send another flood to them and flush these sarong wearing villagers( No relatives of our local import, the Sarong Party Girls) into the sea.....
ok, seriously the problem aint Them( OUR MALAYSIAN FRIENDS). its us.
P.s. Sorry guys (malaysian dudes/dudettes ) aint directed at you. I love your sarongs...really....ooohhhhh soooo very breezy...ahem!

So whats wrong with us?

ITS SINGLISH i tell ya.
Singlish is the root of all evil.
Speak MANDARIN GUYS.


Or is it all that imported sand from indonesia creeping into our refined singaporean nostrils thats causing the problem.

FESTIVE SEASON- chinese new year

whats with all these new year events anyway.

you see bucket loads of children in diapers, or not.

Half crazed Mummys driving their hyper kids- piled on Prambulators ( snob in me just does not want to call them Prams) around from one point to the next.

Dads or Daay-deee( singapore slang for daddy) barking orders like military men to everyone in their vicinity...including innocent passers-by.

old folks shuffling like mad...trying to keep up with the madness (see above group)

90percent of the country shuts down.

i just dont get it. All this happens even before the New year starts.

The big day itself , a picture of calm (discounting the cabbies).

CALM- key word, thats grossly misleading.

Calm for Moms, NO . imagine trying to herd the kids and grandparents and Husband. Further explanation(refer to group below) .

Calm for kids, NO , all those sweets oooh sweet sweet sugar rush, hong baos and lots of hongbaos, games , running, jumping, crying aaahhh soo much to do so little time
( footnote: mom and daay dee already bribed the other kids with hongbaos- act of bribing also referred to as investing so own kid gets money too from other parents.)

Calm for Grandparents, NO (refer to above group)

Calm for dads / daay-dee, NO , ( refer to all of the above)

Convinced? NO?

Well how about this , the damage starts even before new year. New Year itself is just a culmination of all that.

Imagine MOney.

Kuih - COSTS money
New Furnishings - Cost money
Kids - cost money
Cats - cost money

Hell !! even hell money costs money!!.....ok ok....a little off track here but you get the picture.

New year , I swear, was a womans idea. I'm convinced
First HUsbands get fleeced for every cent...furnishings , kuih etc
Then when you think its all over , reunion dinner comes..aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!
Finally just when you think you can start to breathe here comes the new year itself where
Your last few remaining cents get squuueeezzzed out of you.

At Last , beaten, squashed, bleeding you come home.
Straight onto your bed.
Shuffling, crawling, dragging your miserable ass into your cave.
Sleep comes...day ends


Morale if the story, if you get married , IT ALL JUST GETS WORSE!
SO be warned

SBS traffic wardens

its just been published in our resident "VOICE" of the people paper that one dude actually took photos of these two SBS Transit dudes committing a heinous crime.

crime one : booking an errant motorist for parking his vehicle( waiting or whateva you want to call it) at the bus lane.

CRIME two : they (the wardens) did the very same thing themselves( parking their bikes), while they had their meal at a coffeeshop nearby.

now lets call this errant motorist goondu A and call the wardens GOONDUs B.

ok then, i was put in a somewhat of a quandary after reading this article. my question is , so whats the problem?

both of the groups were goondus. albeit one was goondu A and the other goondu B.
ok fine, lets say for the sake of argument, Goondu A was of a higher rank ( SSWO - super sourgrapes want to be let off). my retort ,so what???!!! the second group Goondu B, were not of any lesser calibre. THEY HAD NICE BIKES. Big white bikes with those blinking lights to boot.

Goondu A stated that the least GOONDU B could do was to ask him to move off...move off??!!! WTF!! dude no parking/waiting/levitating or whatever means NO doing any of those things.

TO GOONDU A: you okay or not aah? if a cop sees a guy murdering someone does he have to ask? i can just about imagine how the conversation would go.

murderer: DIE DIE YOU BI#@H (while stabbing victim)

cop : eeerrmm excuse me could you please ahh pull the knife out of that lady..thanks

murderer : oh ok, sorry for the inconvenience.

cop: ok thanks , eerrm by the way would you mind filling up this suggestion form. we gotta please the public you know.

murderer : oh ok , i will not fill in my handphone number though cause ive been getting quite a bit of banks and insurance companies calling me.

as for you, goondu A- see what i mean?

TO GOONDU B: come on man dont be dumb ( see above conversation and figure out the answer for yourself)


for you guys the infamous video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v96fSeGWdE