SECURE my two nuts with gaffer tape

Security cams.
Everywhere i go people want to poke their cameras into my unmentionables.
Poke them far and wide till my orifices pucker up.

OK, not really but you get my gist.

Train stations - filled with cameras.
Shopping centres - same story .
England - um, never mind. ( spotted dick????!! errrrr...ok)
Everywhere and anywhere, where anybody is somebody, you will find cameras.

No wonder, looking back at the state of world affairs today, i feel safe only in the toilet. Never mind the smell.
Never mind the poop lining the walls of public place of business. Lay it on me, i say.
i feel safe there.
Paint me brown and call me twinkie.

Who caused this Phobic craze to spiral out of proportions? don't know. Israelis? Osama the nut job?( come on man! who lives in a cave?), the big "U.S of A"? (NOTE the sarcasm), or the vegetable seller you passed by on the way to work?

Doesn't matter ( everybody has a theory nowadays) , what matters is that IT IS INSANE!

Right now, what i do suspect, is that, "Terror" is a marketing campaign orchestrated by the "Big Ol U.S of A" !

My solution to world peace, POINT these same cameras at ONLY 4 Locations and there you have it. Safe world, Cheaper everything and Governments of the rest of the world will sleep in peace.

THE 4 LOCATIONS

1. Point the camera at the white house
2. Pentagon
3. Every American embassy around the world
4. Up bad Bush's Orifice (s)

Problem solved. Keep these jokers under scrutiny instead. The American villagers will finally have a chance to Breathe as well.

tune in to cnn folks,
Its another day and it seems a new show is on.
The Return of BAD BUSH and his antics

money talks like a shoe

Why does money change people?

Sounds like a "bitchin" and "whinin" article huh?
It is not. Read on.

Went shopping today and to cut the story short, i ended up at a
shoe store with the wife.

My attention was diverted to this family of four.
Mom and dad and two teenagers.

They looked like an average family at first glance but for some tell tale signs Which gave them away as people with money.( i'm not exactly starving myself but definitely not rich).

Mom had an Louis vuitton bag and dad had this snobbish, nose in the air look.

Kids were trying on a few pairs of sneakers ( they finally settled on an expensive looking one).

The point of the story is, WHY??
Why?? in gods/Osama/jesus etc name would people want to buy expensive sneakers for growing kids?

I had lousy canvas shoes when i was young ( maybe why i didn't become an olympian as "nike" and others like it would like you to believe)and my feet survived.

That was not all, the mom behaved like as if she could buy the whole store and dad looked "coooolly" on while his family was having a great discussion about the sneaker.

My words to them.

ONE - IT IS JUST A SHOE!
TWO - GO SUCK MY BIG HAIRY TOE AND CALL ME DADDY.
THREE - MAY THESE KIDS GROW UP AND THROW THOSE SAME SNEAKERS AT YOU WHEN YOU GROW OLD.

FOUR - Leave them be, they are just kids, if they know no hardship now when will they learn compassion?

COMPASSION only for the poor, rich don't have it.

Parting shot - SUCK MY TOE YOU RICH UNSCRUPULOUS BABBOONS AND MAY GOD TURN YOU INTO A PILE OF DOG POOPY!!!

Seaweed on the shoulders

" Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results".
General George S. Patton - Leading US field Commander of WW2

No wonder Clinton had a "menage Trois" with his intern, Himself and the Israeli Prime minister.


For those few clueless and (innocent) Villagers :-

He had a secret "under the table "oral" conversation with his intern and at the same time had a conversation on the phone With then Prime minister of Israel about "big" missiles.

Democracy literally went the way of the "orifice", if the General had it his way wonder what he would have done.

No wonder Americans are a confused lot, for Clinton sure as hell managed to surprise everyone.

Fine Results Clinton old boy!!


Let's see What BAD BUSH does , I sure can't wait!

oh dear single guys...

why does it so often happen to us...
why??
why!!!

or is it a global phenomenon??
why isit that girls get stared at no matter who they are with...
and guys get stared at only when they single...

why??

why!!!

cant handsome young men like us just be left as we are...
though im thankful that God made me a tad more better looking than the average hunk off the street who swears he isnt gay but freqents that gay store"newurban#$le"

(but in truth,u noe pretty well he is)

now now,,

please do not be led into thinking im one of them cos judging by the number of stares
i get on the train ,
the bus,
the cab...(ah pek jealous lah)

im beginning to feel
a little uneasy...
well to set things straight...
im not gay...
though i am that i am not
i certainly am single ...
and pleased to inform...
unavailable...

...............................................
getting back to where we were...
...............................................

i get stared at....
macam nak cocok mata they all....
(i feel like shoving something into their beady eyes)

make them blind .........

im not naked or anything ....
even if i were ,
the auntie selling sayur at the pasar also wont be interested....
(dont believe i said that)

all you see is hairy indian prancing around....
naturally clothed
hahahah...
.......................................................
my point ??
(you might ask)
........................................................

leave us above-average-handsome-looking-hunks-who-claim-to-want-to-remain-single-alone

.......................................................

i get stared at everyday...
take today for example....
in the train.....
on the way home....
im struggling with my humongous bag and im greeted with stalkers......
lady opposite me staring....
lady on my left looking.....
girl on my right keeps on looking...
(im aware im good looking)

horror of horrors......
as im basking in my new found fame...
i spot this teeny weeny cute "lao ah soh"
checking me out...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!

arrrrghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

i get off the train at the next stop....
(sorry ladies)

hahahaha.....

and U!!!
AUNTIE!!!!
YES YOU!!!!
MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
mum better not noe anything till i drop bomb k?
if not ??? jaga u!!
hahaha
..................................
(like its gonna work)
.................................

haiz....i guess us handsome hunks
excluding some who are married....
just have to get used to it all....

Progress?

We as human beings are an obsessive lot.
Growth, progress, riches, knowledge and the list goes on.

Nothing else seems to matter.
So, dear villagers, are we a foolish bunch?

Singapore is a prime example of how things grow.
God has given us a chance to learn from other peoples mistakes.

This country was started by immigrants whilst the natives were debating about hang tuah's very existence.

Nevertheless, we grew and grew.
So much so that once the Old economy had decayed and bottomed out a new
cycle began.

With the new economy, once again singapore's very foundations are being relaid by the new Immigrants that we love to loathe.

They are doing the work whilst we have joined the earlier natives in their discussions about Hang tuah's legends.

While we talk, they work, whilst we ridicule them, they work.

Nature at work.
Renewing itself.
That is life .

we will leave none too soon and then when we do, these new immigrants would see themselves
at the same place where we stood before.

Sir stamford raffles's statue would be covered in bird poop but singapore will go on.

Maybe it is about acceptance, maybe not, i do not really know.

But one thing i do see is the regression of society.
Its culture being systematically erased.

Just look at the older civilisations.

We don't have to go far, just look at Peru.
They started off as dirty little rascals.
No matter how dirty they got in their fields, they did not really have any other problems.
Kids skipped school, to go and play.
Girls were married off...and it goes on.

So what happened?
look at them now.
Successful ?, richer?
Not really, the richer they got the poorer they became.
The entire society has collapsed.

A result of ? democracy? freedom? Free economy?

Looks like, we in singapore, are better off.

If it's the dustbins that i will find myself in my old age, then so be it.

If getting pushed in the congested trains is what i will expect in my future, then so be it.
It can't be as bad as we think.
i probably will not be able to buy that $100,000 watch but i will be able to afford that million dollar sleep.

Sleep baby sleep,
Its not that bad after all.

something close to my dustbin

check this out,

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/070310/5/singapore263041.html
Saturday March 10, 8:17 PM
Govt will help the poor but many helping hands still needed: Dr Balakrishnan
SINGAPORE: The government will continue to help the poor, says Community Development, Youth and Sports Minister Dr Vivian Balakrishnan, but many other helping hands are still needed. Dr Balakrishnan believes a more holistic approach can better help this group stand on their own feet.
His comments came after Members of Parliament responded to the slew of help measures announced on Thursday.
MPs did not hold back when they spoke passionately about how more can be done to help the needy.
One MP asked a pointed question on whether increasing the Public Assistance or PA allowance by a mere $30 a month to $290 is sufficient.
"My single constituents told me that they needed to skip one meal a day to live on the $260 per month and now, MCYS is going to give them one dollar more a day but one dollar a day will not be able to buy them one meal a day in any hawker centre," said Dr Lily Neo, MP, Jalan Besar GRC.
Dr Balakrishnan responded, "There will always be arguments on whether a sum we've decided is enough or not and as I've said yesterday, frankly one limiting factor must be the sum that we give through public assistance cannot be so generous as to erode the work ethic."
The Minister said the grassroots organisations and voluntary welfare groups can also lend a helping hand to those in need.
Dr Neo said, "Then am I to understand that MCYS cannot provide adequately for the most vulnerable group of our society and that PA recipients must go and seek help from others?"
"We will always need the many helping hands model, not because the government is broke. We can always do more, we can always raise GST but that's not the tone of the society that we are trying to create. What I'm designing is a system in which public assistance can and should be complemented by other sources of help," said Dr Balakrishnan.
Dr Balakrishnan added that the system was set up with a certain amount of tension - and it has been a healthy tension.
That said, Dr Balakrishnan stressed that despite a strict criteria on assistance schemes, no Singaporean needs to starve or be deprived of shelter.
And when some MPs informed him that certain helplines were not working or that policies can be more flexible to help the needy, Dr Balakrishnan invited members to call and give him feedback directly. - CNA/yy
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir,

lets get over this helping our people thing. I might believe what you are saying, You might believe what you are saying. Errr What are we saying ????

Seriously, main question here is who are we really helping?

One wise man once said, Give food to the hungry and he will eat for a day, teach him to earn his own keep and he will launch his own IPO( or something like that).

My point, Have you checked your vicinity yet?
No?
Ok lets get out of orchard and lets get to the heartlands( the other heartlands, Plaza singapura does not count).
Fellow singaporeans , at a glance , it would seem that they have hit pay dirt!
Yes Pay dirt.
DIRT, keyword.
Seen an increase in "freelancing miners"?
No?
let me be blatantly clear.
OUR SENIORS (no not Senior minister, bless the old chap) rummaging through dustbins in an attempt to salvage a few cans.
I know that the price of aluminium has increased but this is ridiculous!

I mean i cannot even enjoy my drink in peace.
I practically had to wrestle and do a WWF styled slam on this one chap who attempted to grab my coke can from my hands the minute i got it out of the vending machine!

Come on guys , something needs to be done about them.
I mean can't a decent guy even enjoy a drink in peace nowadays?

And now you want to give them an extra dollar?
They will just grow stronger.
What if they get unionised??!!

Keep the dollar i say.

Educate them.
Teach them.
Maybe Begging would be good.
Ooops sorry, i meant busking.

How bout increasing the quota on tissue sellers????
Now they are a decent bunch.
At least they do not grab your cans.

Yup that is definitely a good idea.

Really, i am not to blame if i have to wrestle another chap to the ground.
I love my sugary, fizzy drinks.

Keep the extra dollar , really , you might need it someday when you are old and your children abandon you in the name of "more good years".

oh and by the way you mentioned at the end of the statement , to call you directly?
eeeerrrmmmm.......

anyone know how??

Bloddy mangkuks!!....not you sir, i meant the karang guni men/women.

May they never get unionised.

busy bush....

so have you heard...??
our friend mr bush is a busy man nowadays..
he is on a charm offensive in the south americas'
.................................

happy working mr bush...
(he's got a long way to go)

...............................

meanwhile i have more important things to pay attention to...
like getting the rolls of kek lapis off me...
i get nightmares ..........

..............................

and of course getting my bike licence is of upmost importance to me...
mum will kill me if i tell her but knowing myself...
ill most probably just drop hints that im gonna do it...
you know ....
drop the bomb subtly

and it doesnt hurt...
haiz...
bigsourgrapes did it all wrongly...
he dropped the bomb and it dropped with maximum effect ...
and the result...
a lifelong ban...
and now little wetblanket...(thats yours truly)
will attempt the impossible...
need all the prayers from you guys i can get...

but i was renamed ......
"meethi churi"
loosely translated...
sweet knife

mainly because of my mastery of buttering my way through sticky situations...
and the person infront doesnt even realise he is being slaughtered...

(to this point im confused as to what im typing)

oh nevermind ......
i hope to get my licence soon and my bike sooner considering the rising transport costs and
its dumbness to even want to get a car in tiny Singapore

COE lah, ERP lah, road tax lah, fines lah,
demerit points lah, this and that......
so much headache...plus the congestion on the roads....
atleast ill not have to worry about being late to work....
keeping in mind im a habitual latecomer...

oklah im off to mustafa....
late night shopping with the family..

The day I realised I was hungry

I was a young boy.
A small and scrawny child.
Blessed with the legendary "skinny indian legs".
A DUMB kid.

It took me a long time to break out of my haze.
Teachers said i was a dreamer (meaning i was out of this world).
Deep Space, thats where i was, a place where no man had been before.

I was maybe about ten, standing in the kitchen just beside the fridge.
It suddenly occured to me that i was hungry!
"hungry", a word that i knew by definition but not by experience because i was too
dumb to recognize the signs.

I suddenly understood.
Thus began my eating frenzy.
I ate like there was no tomorrow.
It did not add to my weight and neither did my legs grow fatter .
Nevertheless, i ate.
Blessed be , food.
Oooohhhh nice chewy juicy food.
I ate.
Nevermind that people in other parts of the world were starving.
What did i care, all that mattered was that, i had grown up.
I hungered.

My life was peppered with these "revelations".

Just like how god came to moses, Hunger came to me.
i Grew up (or so i believe).

I saw that there were alot of people worst off than me ( despite the Govt saying otherwise).
"more good years" they said.
Nevermind that there was my neighbour, the poor sap who had it tough.
Who despite "more good years" had never seen "One good day".

Nevermind that his wife had to wash nappies because they could not afford diapers.
Life went on.
What did i care?
I realised that i was Hungry.
Oh blessed blessed be.

Anyway, then i read an article by the peoples paper, The straits times.
Dated Thursday March 8 2007

" RARE BIRD SEEN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 140 YEARs"

A wetland bird named "Large-billed reed-warbler" was found.
Thought to be extinct. ( hooray! you would think).

WRONG! instead of rejoicing, these all knowing smart scientists were arguing as to whether this was a true species or an "aberration"

Aberration!! its just a small bird !
Leave it alone !
Stop swiping, and anal probing the bird just to get its DNA.

It is a happy bird, You just confirmed that it was alive.
It could fly free now.
Not just in a haze.
It had a purpose.
It has realised that like me it hungers.

But no.
That was not to be.
The poor bird was violated.
and yes they confirmed that it was indeed what they thought it was.
"Professor Staffan Bensch of swedens Lund university, confirmed that it was a valid species"

Genius, Mr weird name, Professor stuffed Bench from curiously named University, said it was a valid species. WoW! now we know what kind of idiots the govt is spending money on. Bloody mangkuk!
Maybe i should anal probe you to confirm if indeed you are an ass!

Anyways..........we can only pray for you little bird.


Poor poor bird, hopefully you will find peace.
Just like how i found mine.

The day I realised i was hungry.

P.s "Lund", not so nice word in hindi, i would not go around calling people that if i were in India.

Push Factor

National service, aaah .
The bane of all boys in singapore.
The boon? none, just bane.

We serve, we slave and then what?
You get a nice thank you.
The kind that is printed at some B grade printers.
Then what?
What else do you want?!!!! Get out of here Dumb rabbit!!

Yes we are rabbits.
With teeth that do not see the tip of a carrot.

It seems that the regulars in SCDF, Police. Army etc do not really give us the respect we deserve.

We are nothing but Rabbits.
Imagine this.

One poor rabbit is sitting in a corner, minding his own business and eating his carrot.
Next you have an elephant doing his business in some bush.
He looks around looking for something to wipe his ass with and after much searching he sees Our rabbit.

Next scene you know what happened.
The elephant took the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.
Naturally the rabbit still had no clue and to make matters worse,

he lost his carrot.

Maybe we should change the pledge.

We the asswipes of sinkapoH,.......

.... im gonna be looking forward to NS now......

ok .....so the other dae i had this weird thought during my tutorial......
what if one day while we are busy enjoying peace in peaceful singapore......
and SCDF sirens go off all of a sudden...

singapore is under attack from malaysia.....
u must be kidding me right??
(thats what you must be thinking )

battalion upon battalion of men cross the causeway....into singapore..
armed with pickaxes and hoes...
plastic bags and sarongs.....
chewing gum and...pirated cd's
dunkin donuts and ..whatever..
(u get the picture)

their battle plan apparently......

is to drive into singapore ....
in their protons and those 'mat' scooters.....
and jam singapore streets.....

start planting sawi,kangkong,carrots,cabbages and what not...
along orchard road
heck even .......
set up streets upon streets of pasar malams ...
turn PIE into Jalan Masjid India.....
have a rematch between their national soccer team and a so called
"singapore team"
(made up of pre-schoolers)
at kallang stadium...

Mahathir takes a tour and tells his men im gonna name this island after me ......
he is in a dilemma....

he screams ..
mahathir: men!! gather....
(his men gather wondering what the gaffer is upto)

mahathir: men!! i have a slight problem with the name part and i need your help.....
(his men visibly excited)

mahathir: if you have to choose a name for this island what would you call it???
it has to be after me........

(his men try their best to please their boss and come up with 2 names ...)

one of them says:"boss kita come atas with dua nama's....."
(in his best english)

mahathir: apa they??

the representative:(explains how they wanted a funky english name for the island which
wasnt after him but on the other hand sounded like his name)


mahathir: (visibly dissapointed nevertheless eager to hear out what his charges had cooked up)


representative:boss!! kita right ..pikir either 'maha-dick' or 'maha-prick'
will be a good nama.........

mahathir:(seems delighted)
mahathir: you have done me proud men....

and with that ......i was 'vibrated' back into tutorial by my trustee phone vibrating


children out there....
dunt overlook the importance of NS unless you wanna eat kangkong and cabbage everydae for lunch.........
considering we dunt eat anything but mcdonalds and carls junior nowadaes
(i dunt mind the chewing gum and donuts though)

Singapore politics

Firstly, do not misunderstand me.
I am not a PAP supporter and neither am i an opposition champion.
I watch and decide based on the facts.

The political scene in singapore is rather interesting. On one hand we have the PAP playing the good govt role and on the other we have the opposition.

Now what i do not understand. Why does chee soon juan behave like an ass.
You know our govt is going to sue your pants off (luckily in singapore, if in malaysia fiiiinish gotta go nude).

We have a rather screwed up judicial process. "guilty till proven innocent", we already know you are guilty, guilty of being a dumb ass.

So why go on with your antics. This is not a circus.

Come on man !! wake up your idea!

Do something tangible.
Dont do publicity stunts.
e.g giving speeches at the speakers corner without a licence and stuff.

Contribute, with a structured plan.
One step at a time,
Things are moving ahead now.
The govt seems to be doing stuff.
Do it right and we will all be proud of you.

And errr by the way remember that MP . the chinese dude, looks like a Pimp who wears a wig.
Wah lau really unglam sia hmmmmnnn wonder why nobody ever mentioned it before.
How to respect him? i know i tried but i cannot get my eyes off his head whenever i see him on tele giving a speech.

So how aah? our opposition has no bite, Our PAP bite too much, and the people Really bo chap.

So what to do? Bring in the foreigners!
So why complain now?

Mat salleh come, we kowtow, offer opium, Laugh when one faints after smelling the durian.

Chinaman come, we kick them
Indian come, we plug our noses.
Filipino come, we make them work as our maids
Indonesian come, we push them out of the window under the pretext of cleaning them (windows lah not the maids themselves ...perverts.) .

So whats left?

Americans? cannot we busy kow-towing to them already.

So how? keep quietlah we do that best.
Until we learn to respect people equally, things will never change.

Not everything is lost though, Our opposition might be idiots, but at least the combined govt
Is Clean. NO CORRUPTION.

PRObably the only country in the world that is not corrupt , has a good govt. And no bullshit like the israelies and the american govt.

I guess i am still proud to be a singaporean eerrrrr to a certain extent i guess.

what a mangkuk indeed...

dear villagers.....
please do not be confused....

i am non-smoker...
BIG sourgrapes is the smoker.......

what say you...??
the government should raise prices on cigarettes???

i seem to think so...

hahaha...

...........................................................................................................
smoking causes

lung cancer...
yellow teeth...
affects the guys where they would rather not be ....
(no wonder we have a shortage of babies)

at press time ....the above-mentioned statements's accuracy is unconfirmed
but it might just be true

well lets go on with the list....
smoking means less time to spend with your ..


girlfriend...
wife ..
grandma....
mother....
cat ......
dog...
"kakis"(non smokers)

..........................................................
smoking means more money spent and 5 minutes of your life wasted for every stick you smoke

.........................................................

like that how to buy that mazda..
or subaru..
or lexus..
or vespa...
or bicycle (for those "illegal smokers")
or toyota crown(ooops)

.....................................................

i wonder what BIG sourgrapes thinks....


what say you BIG sourgrapes ???

hehehehe.........

Indonesia and its Environment

WOOHOO!! to ms indranee rajah.

Just heard on the news, How she so eloquently "berated" Indonesia for its ban on selling sand to singapore. She also reminded them that Hopefully they will curb the deforestation thats going on because of the annual burning campaign for after all they are soooo Environmentally conscious.

Firstly, NO when i say burning, Environmentally friendly indonesia is not burning its chinese ppl again ( sorry to the PPL). Its the forests.

Come on guys lets fess up, these guys are not just a lot of smoke and hot air but they are really up to their eyes, from the butt crack and up with sand.

They know it and we know it.
Man, sometimes i think our govt is too nice.
First Malaysia. then thailand now indonesia.
Who next? Queue aah?


lastly,

Mr sandman, pls behave. Dun be sooo nautee aah.

false bravado

Dear smoker,

i would like to bring your attention to the evening news yesterday( the rest of us do not really care when).
I admire your strength . The strength you showed the world on national tv. When you boldly stated what no one has stated before, "I dont care". Now, before i go on, i will refresh your memory.

You , the village person was duly caught on camera (by an army of reporters) blatantly and boldly smoking in an esteemed place of thinking, an institution for the aged, A honorable place more popularly known as the "coffeeshop".

You were smoking outside of the designated smoking area. For this act alone, we at SOURgrAPESatSG would like to bestow upon you your first title, "Bloody Goondu".

When questioned by the reporters as to why you were smoking there, you confidently said, "I dont care", "what are you going to do" , "saman me lah!" and lastly " i have money to pay Whaaaat !".

For this act, we bestow you with an additional title "Sir". So SIR BLOODY GOONDU , what happened next was, you and the owner of the esteemed place of business were given your respective "samans".

The one and only thing i can say to this is,

DONT BE A BLOODY FOOL AAH!!!, KAN@# CHA#o CHE$% By.
Because of bloody mangkuk's ( malay for pot) like you we smokers have to suck in the stale air being blown towards us by the govt.
We are literally being smoked out.
We kena snook!!
We have to put up with the KIller stares and risk having under "wares" being thrown at us whenever we light up.
If the prices dont kill us, then A heart attack from the behaviours of villagers like you will!.

*phew* not that ive got that out of my system,

We at you know where, thank you for your kind attention.

Your's sincerely

ME.

vertically challenged

Being vertically challenged has its pro’s……
but why oh why!!!!! didn’t anyone enlighten me …??!!
why didn’t any of you good people out there tell me that its going to have certain con’s as well …???!! (Sigh)

riding the train is such a nightmare everyday for me ,be it to work or to classes…
its worse when I have to attend classes…
(im traveling from one end of the island to the other)

damnit!!
Darn….
Fish…

Im exposed to “lavender” (sleep inducing) fragrance every morning,
In this case ,the “lavender” in concern is rather too “nice” for my liking and its so special you can only find it in the MRT train at peak period …
It can even threaten to put you to sleep for a long to come (till judgement day)

To all of you good people out there who “dunt have time to shower or lather some deo”
The least you can do is stay away from public transport ...take the cab man….
kill one person with that “lavender”
not dozens…!!!!
Keep your weapon of mass destruction to yourself man!!!


I wont mind the fare hike if the extra money is going to be used to
spray people with anti-”lavender”


Scenario…
Imagine you’re in the train standing by the door…during peak period..
You so proud you’re smelling great…
Then comes the next stop, a trillion people hop in .
some guy hasn’t showered or sprayed….
(For some reason unknown to mankind, its always the guy, nobody suspects the pretty lady beside them)

Imagine that guy gets off at the very same station as you and stands there beside you.
All the way…(cos the train is packed)

God save your soul man…
All that confidence you had starts seeping out like some leaking bottle of cologne…
That bottle starts taking in gas instead (you cant ignore science)

Now,, now ,,whats the point in spraying yourself with all that nice smelling cologne, or perfume…when at the end of the journey you’re gonna come out of the gas chamber(train), smelling exactly like that brudder or sister you were standing beside all the way ??

Moral of the story??

Any one wanna try??

Ok ill tell you….leave home without spraying cologne…..cos it’s a waste of money…

upgrading woes

One of our many Crazes.
We in Singapore are A crazed Lot
We Love a billion things.
We desire A Gazillion and ONE items.

My biggest woe, Lift Upgrading.

The facts
The govt housing board has gone on a rampage.
Rampage of building and adding new things to existing elements.
An obsession that threatens the very foundation this country is built on.

In this case, It is My building that shakes.
It all started with a rumble( deep in my tummy)
Had to poopy.

After when i finally awoke from my stupor(in the loo),
I realised the shaking continued!
Hmmmmnn..i thought, can't be after shocks from my recent activity.

Looked out of my window and lo behold!
i was surrounded by a construction crew, eerm my Building, i mean.

It had started.
The much dreaded LIFT UPGRADING!

LIFT UPGRADING the bane of my very existence.

I live on the second floor!
OK never mind That.
The process was painful enough, My story here is about what happened after.
So we continue, Finally the job was done (not my Poopy-ing).
The lift was completed.
Did the usual suaku thing ( suaku- mountain tortoise/villager), i went into it.
Just to try it out.
Did look Left and right , just to make sure nobody was watching and IN! i went.
Coool, i thought to myself.
Story ended?
No, just the beginning of my problems.

For you see, i have this condition.
The condition of "severe embarassment followed by guilt".
Like i said , i lived on the second floor.
I just don't know why but its tough getting into the lift.

There is this strange guilt.
Thoughts that somehow i don't have a right to use the lift.
That somehow i am depriving someone of the usage of this one lift.
Images flashing in my mind of someone on the verge of death, waiting, waiting for me to get out
of the lift.

I almost freaked out today.
Just when i was about to get into the lift, a bunch of people appeared out of nowhere and were heading straight for me, or so i thought.

There and then i had decided to press the lift button for the top floor, thinking that perhaps
then, these people would not give me nasty looks or worse throw used undies at me.
Imagine my relief when at the last minute , they turned to my right and walked away.

*phew* close call that one.
Looks like i have an allergic reaction.
To the lift.
No more lifts for me.
NO, nothing will change my mind.
Too much Stress.
I could get a heart attack you know!!

*sigh* my problems have just begun.

politically apathetic

My debut post here…im basically not your average…local.
Local as in born and raised here..
i wasn’t bred here..
im no animal..
some people with ‘brains ‘ will say as part of their introductory line.
bla bla bla.i was born and bred here….
I laugh hard ..when I get home

Ok lets cut this shit…
So how many of us are politically apathetic???
Say what???(ill hear you saying)

U: Political armpit…??
U: Brudder u trying to be funny isit???

Me: precisely..

No wonder we are what we are…
Ok hell no I dunt read news like the newscaster…but sense I have to at least watch the headlines….

So whats the oil price like now..??
U: ahh simple…s$5 sumthing for a whole bottle

Me : there you go…..
Politically apathetic!!!

U: huh??
Me :thank you.., have your seat..

We weren’t talking bout any cooking oil..
But the much abused…
sought after...
despised…
cause of Iraq war…(some of us might think so)
crude oil..or black gold or just plain simple oil


now, now, my fellow audience..
dunt get too excited just yet.
we all have this habit of getting jumpy when things aren’t going our way
and we start defending ourselves…
I bet u agree…

So my question remains ….

How many of us are politically apathetic?

You: ah lian ah!!! Whats politically apathetic….
Ah lian: what armpit??? talk properly can anot!!

Me : (shakes head )

religion and ethnicity an uniquely singaporean dilemma

Our perceived Dilemma and bias.
------------------

Indian then you must be hindu. Speak tamil, Drunk, beat wife
Chinese, then you are definitely - paper burning , pork eating temple goer.
Malay - Muslim, guitar strumming .

Our Understanding
-----------------------

Indian Muslim - indian dude/dudette who is a product of a mix marriage between a malay and indian.
Muslim - malay, who eats no Pork and No lard
POKiLA - My definition of an establishment which thinks it has pulled off a coup by bypassing the "halal" certification process

The Facts.
--------------

Indian,Chinese,Malay - is a race( not the one that you run in, aiyoh goondu!!) Just people. People working to make a living. Good and nautee. All shapes and sizes.
Islam - A religion
Muslim - a person that believes in Allah and all that defines him. A person that has Islam as his religion.
HALAL - food that has , NO Pig or its by products.
NO ALCOHOL. MEAT that is slaughtered in an islamic way. (all OTHER COMMON MEATS)
HARAM-ANY food item that comes into contact with the above or falls out of the rules as defined above..

Bloody Goondu - anyone that does not already know any of the above.

Therefore,

Dear Mr/Miss BLOODY GOONDU,

Please remember the above so as not to embarass yourself.
We live in a Multi-cultural environment (governments words)
Actually 3 main races plus one "others"( sorry couldn't resist taking a jibe at the Govt)

Know your fellow human. If you do not already know the above, may god help you.
Your ignorance, Is Your gift to us.
Please accept our gratitude and thanks for giving the rest of us a
reason and opportunity to laugh at you.
Just because we love you does not mean we will tolerate your extreme goonduness.

So In closing, For GODS SAKE PLEASE try to understand the above.

The mgmt

Sourgrapesatsg.

growing up

i had a decent childhood.
Just like any other teenager, i felt invincible.
Thought that , when i am older , i will "automatically" have an older mans brain.

Responsible,mature,serious, and so on.

It didn't happen.

I was in my early twenties.
All That fooling around,
was a little smarter.
A little wiser.
That was all.

Next i knew, i was married.
Did i feel any different?
Not really.
Same all, same all, teenage brain.
Have tons of responsibilities though.

Yup, just like the transition in this blog, the time that passed
from my teenage years to the present went by very quickly.

I realised, that when people say that they are young at heart.
That is precisely what they mean.
It scares the hell out of me.
What if i am on my death bed and i dont feel any older??!!

The facts, My brain did not get any older. It is the same old me.
Yes sure, the insecurities went away with the pimples.

but what else?

I still fool around, playing games and what not.

YOU do not GROW OLD!
THE COld hard fact
You just die one day, looking like crap.
Butt sagging to the floor etc.
why do you think old people commit suicide?

they realise this fact and there is not one god dam thing they can do about it!

The body will not allow them to do stuff they want to do.
Society will not let them do what they want to do.

Except for the deviant few( BATAM Dwellers) , most of us just die "young".

i Think it is gods way of screwing around with us.
Or maybe, that is where our soul resides in(our brains)
Or maybe It is some governmental Experiment where our bodies just waste away
and our brains get stuck in this time warp.

What i'm saying is , I NEED TO THINK OLD!!
I think i'm having a midlife crisis at the age of thirty.
Or maybe i just realised something that only comes with age,
and that is,
We never grow old.

unstamped passports

Legends for this blog
village people - the citizens of the country ( because we are all dumb)
govt - governments


The Straits Times wednesday 14 feb 2007.
JOHOR Menteri BESAR ABdul Ghani Othman said,

1) Sporeans facing problems( passports Unstamped) should raise the issue with him.

My retort, Ok sure whats your email?...oh sorry wait give me ur morse code id ,they wont allow me to use the PC here in the jail. oh wait could u pls send

me $5 ringgit first, for your cheap ass malaysian jail wont give me anything to wear cause i dont have the moolah to buy your designer jail shorts and

seriously its really cold walking around here in just my undies.

2) HE ALSO SAID THAT he has not heard of any singaporeans being jailed for unstamped passports. He also asked for proof of such a thing happening.

My retort, ok seriously dude. Have you seen my fart? no right ? does that mean it doesn't exist? and what kind of a MENTERI besar are you ? you have no

clue whats going on in your country. i tell you what, since i know more, i suggest you step aside and ill run your state for ya. my technic would be simple.

ill blame everything on singapore and your village people will vote for me . When they get sick of singapore ill blame it on thailand and say that its their tom

yum soup thats causing the village people to get dumber. My last retort ok ok. i give up . its my fault next time ill agree to get robbed first at the checkpoint

then by your village ppl then u chop my passport. ok? how?

ps. someone just stole my undies pls send me a loin cloth in the very least.